


lose your mind, 'cause love is blind

by antiopesgirlfriend



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, thasmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 15:17:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17286485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antiopesgirlfriend/pseuds/antiopesgirlfriend
Summary: it takes the doctor a while to realise she has feelings for yasmin khan. once she's aware of her feelings, they are impossible to ignore.





	lose your mind, 'cause love is blind

**Author's Note:**

> i tried to write a slowburn but it’s only 3000 words so what gives. also i challenged myself to write in the present tense which was a strug and a half. so here is the product. i hope it isn’t the worst thing you’ve ever read <3
> 
> title: listen to your heart ~ young frankenstein

** Jealousy **

The Doctor isn’t a mean person. She tries not to be, anyway. But sometimes her actions take her by surprise. The first time it happens is when she is reacquainted with some old friends. The Doctor takes her companions to see new species, but she always holds some close to her heart. These, she likes to visit whenever she gets a spare moment. This time, she is taking her companions to visit 19th century London – the companions’ capital city seen as they had only learnt about in history. It is slightly different to what they had been told. In their lessons, any mention of aliens had been omitted, distorting the truth.

After a short walk through the winding streets on London, the Doctor, Yaz, Ryan and Graham arrive at a manor secluded from the neighbourhood by tall iron gates. They are greeted by the owners of the great house – a Silurian warrior and a mousy human. These, the companions soon learn, are Vastra and Jenny. Vastra’s hibernation was disturbed by the construction of the London Underground. Her species had a hatred for humans, but the Doctor helped to pacify her learned views. Jenny had been saved by Vastra, who hired her as a maid after she was abandoned by her family for her preferences in companionship. Vastra’s hatred for the human race was ultimately erased when her love for Jenny grew and the couple married. Now, they live together, their paths occasionally crossing with the Doctor’s.

“You seem gifted in choosing only the prettiest of companions.” Says Vastra, nodding towards Yaz.

Jenny nods in agreement with her wife.

“You’re too kind.” Yaz replies, unable to meet Vastra’s gaze.

The Doctor meets Vastra’s gaze, jaw clenched and eyes steely, cold as the North Sea. “I think we best be leaving. Thank you for having us.” Her words are forced, thickened through her gritted teeth.

“You’re always welcome here, Doctor.” Says Vastra kindly.

“Always.” Echoes her wife.

Yaz, Ryan and Graham fumble over their thanks, unsure why the Doctor shut down so quickly when they were only enjoying a polite conversation over tea and biscuits. Nevertheless, they follow her out of the door and back to the TARDIS, struggling to keep up with her purposeful strides.

The next time the Doctor is unwittingly mean, it is to her own companions. It’s no less than a few months after her swift exit from Vastra and Jenny’s home. Yaz and Ryan are sitting around the TARDIS kitchen table, reminiscing about their time at primary school together. They recall games, their favourite teachers, their shared friends and shared enemies, and admit unlikely classmates they had crushes on. It is at this point when the Doctor enters the kitchen – just as Yaz is admitting the boy she had liked for the longest time.

“I remember trying to sit next to him on the carpet whenever I could.” Says Yaz, her eyes bright. “And at playtime I would join in with the football games to impress him. But I was never any good.”

“Are you mad?” Interrupts Ryan. “You were one of the best footballers our school ever had. I always wanted you to be on my team.”

Yaz laughs. “That is very kind of you. But I am afraid my only motivation for playing was to get closer to Jack. He never liked me back, though.” She adds as a slightly sad afterthought.

Just hearing the words cause the Doctor’s muscles to tense. Her chest begins to burn and her hands grow cold as the blood rushes to her face, her cheeks reddening. Her expression is pinched, lips pressed flat. “While this conversation is lovely, I think an early night is in order. Lots to do tomorrow.” The words come out of her mouth before she can stop them. Hurt flashes in Yaz’s eyes. The Doctor almost feels embarrassed for her harsh words, but she feels something else running deeper in her veins. Confusion is evident on Ryan’s face but the Doctor barely registers it.

Ryan is the first to get up, muttering a quiet goodnight. Yaz follows close behind, brows furrowing, her goodnight wishes almost inaudible.

The Doctor is left alone in the kitchen, ashamed of how she had spoken to her friends but knowing she would likely do the same if it happened again.

It is a few weeks later when the Doctor realises the reasons behind her actions. The moment is small - insignificant to anyone watching. For the Doctor, it is anything but. She doubts Ryan, Graham or even Yaz notice.

The evening had started out without incident. Everyone was taking time to relax, reading a book in Yaz’s case, reading the newspaper in Graham’s, and playing a video game in Ryan’s. The Doctor was tinkering with the insides of the console of the TARDIS. One by one, the companions had gone to bed, leaving Yaz and the Doctor as the last men standing.

Having read a few more chapters, Yaz’s yawns were becoming harder and harder to suppress. It was time to retire to her own bed. “Doctor.” She says softly.

The Doctor melts at the sound of Yaz’s voice. “Yes?” She says, groaning as she removes herself from the centre of the console.

“I think I’m going to hit the hay now.”

“Okay.” Says the Doctor. It is all she can say. If she were to utter anymore words, she fears a wobble in her words would give her away. Yaz. Sweet Yaz. She was the reason behind the Doctor’s actions. Or the cause of her feelings which gave reason for her actions. The movement from feelings of friendship to feelings of attraction had been so seamless that the Doctor had failed to notice it. Until now. The way Yaz had said her name calmed her right away while increasing her heartrate tenfold. It is clear to her now. She likes Yasmin Khan. Jealousy is cruel to those it bestows itself upon. This, she knew, was why she had snapped at Vastra and had done the same to Yaz and Ryan a couple of weeks back. The Doctor feels her cheeks flush and she hopes the orange glow from the TARDIS is enough to hide the colour.

“Goodnight, Doctor.” Says Yaz, picking up her belongings and leaving the room.

“Goodnight, Yaz.” The Doctor replies. It is a bittersweet moment. Her feelings for her companion are strong and true but she knows they are something she can never act upon.

** Falling **

There is one thing that the Doctor knows for certain, and that is that science can be applied to any part of life. It helps her to make sense of the world around her, as well as her own thoughts and feelings.

Gravity is a force that causes falling objects to accelerate. Acceleration is rare in that it is measured in units of change. If a human were to fall, when they are just beginning, their acceleration is low. It would take them 0.45 seconds to fall a full metre – falling at 4.2 metres per second. But if they continued to fall, the acceleration would increase. By the second metre, they would be falling at 6.2 metres. When a human falls five metres, they spend the first half of the time of their fall in the first metre. Acceleration increases, and they are travelling at the speed of 9.9 metres per second by the end of the fall.

This is how the Doctor feels about Yasmin Khan. The longer she spends with her companion, the faster she feels herself fall for her. It is fair to say she has less grace than an Olympic diver.

After much deliberation over head and heart, the Doctor decides it is best to follow her head. Her feelings for Yaz are very much present and often distracting. They are impossible to ignore. But she knows in her head, like her jealousy had done, confessing her feelings would only end up hurting the people involved.

To begin with, Yaz does not like her back. But if she does, what would happen? The Doctor is a timelord who has lived for over two millennia. Yaz is a human who has lived for less than two decades. The age gap is enough to make anyone uncomfortable. But then there is the issue of mortality. Yaz, the human, is mortal. The Doctor, the timelord, is immortal. Even if their relationship made it to the end of Yaz’s life, it would be too much to bear. The Doctor would go through several regenerations. It would be a miracle if Yaz could love each one of them. Then, when it was time for Yaz to pass away, the Doctor would feel her two hearts being ripped out. By then, they would both be too full of love for Yaz for her to survive her passing. The Doctor would regenerate again and have nothing to remember the love of her life by.

It wasn’t worth it.

The Doctor is besotted but she buries her feelings deep inside. They are her problem, not anyone else’s.

Now aware of her feelings, the Doctor struggles on their adventures. It turns out there are many situations that arise where Yaz is thrust towards the Doctor. The Doctor tells herself it’s not the universe trying to get them together.

The first time it happens is a week or so after the Doctor accepts the fact that she fancies Yasmin Khan. They are exploring a new ship, a fine one. Its technology is beyond anything the Doctor has ever seen before. It appears to be self-sufficient - there is no crew to be found. Ryan and Graham are searching below-deck and Yaz and the Doctor are searching the winding corridors above them. After about an hour of searching, neither Yaz nor the Doctor have found anyone. They are chatting aimlessly when Yaz holds her arm out, stopping the Doctor in her step. She holds her finger to her lips, silencing the Doctor. It takes everything the Doctor has to not let her eyes remain on Yaz’s lips.

Crashes sound through the corridors, signalling the path of a barrelling unknown object. Yaz’s eyes widen, the expression mirrored on the Doctor’s face. In fear, Yaz grabs the Doctor’s wrist, pulling her into the nearest cupboard. The cupboard is small and there is no light. The Doctor can’t see anything, but she can feel how close she is to Yaz, and how little room there is to move away. She tries to listen out for the object but it’s hard to concentrate. Yaz is so close to her. She can feel her breath on her lips, her fingers grazing her thigh. The Doctor gulps. All her thoughts are gone. The only thing she can think about is stopping herself capturing Yaz’s lips in her own. This is not what she needs when she’s trying to save an alien ship.

It happens again, a mere two days later. Although this time it is in a less enclosed space. For this, the Doctor is thankful. However, she is not thankful that it happens in front of so many people. Once again, they are on an alien ship. However, this one is most definitely lived in. In fact, there is a booming population, and barely enough room for everyone to inhabit. More creatures want to make it their home, though, and it is invaded by the Vitula, a species feared by all. Their arrival is loud, threatening. Their presence is so shocking, it causes Yaz to jump out of her skin. She tenses, stepping back on instinct.

The Doctor is directly behind Yaz. She also jumps, though her feet remain firmly planted on the floor. When Yaz steps back, her back presses against the Doctor’s front, her foot falls between the Doctor’s. Yaz doesn’t notice the Doctor’s sharp intake of breath at the contact. Nor does she notice the sudden crimson colouring of the Doctor’s cheeks. The Doctor hopes no-one else does either. The last thing she wants is to involve anyone else in her messy feelings.

For a while, the Doctor is safe. Life goes without incident. Or as without incident as the Doctor’s life can get. Months pass without forced close proximity to Yaz. A part of her misses it. She knows that it is best if it does not happen again.

But some aliens do not care for what is best. For many, a favoured fearmongering tactic is backing their opposed into a corner, metaphorically or literally. This is how the Doctor finds herself stepping backwards, accidentally pinning Yaz to the wall behind her. It is not the time or the place for feelings of attraction, and yet the Doctor cannot help it. The feeling of Yaz’s body flush against her back is something the Doctor had thought about more than she would like to admit. The images running through her mind are not appropriate. She shakes her head to remove them. It only works momentarily. Now she knows how it feels to have Yaz pressed against her, the Doctor doesn’t think she’ll be able to sleep without remembering it vividly.

The touch of Yaz is something the Doctor both craves and tries to avoid. It is too easy to look too deeply into what a touch means. There is one time when the Doctor is thrown to the floor by an explosion. Yaz is not close enough to be affected. She runs to the Doctor, fearing for the blonde’s safety. With gentle hands but a firm touch, Yaz helps the Doctor up, supporting her just above her elbow. When the Doctor is securely on her feet once more, Yaz doesn’t remove her hand immediately. It lingers on the Doctor’s arm, her touch hot through the Doctor’s shirt. The Doctor notices the touch that lasts a little too long. There is no way she can’t. Sparks shoot from her arm to her hearts, causing her heart to race. She brushes it off. It doesn’t mean anything. Yaz is just being kind.

 It isn’t just touches that can linger. Looks can too.

“Where to next?” Asks Yaz after a different adventure.

“Everywhere.” Replies the Doctor. All her companions are there but she only has eyes for Yaz. She hopes she is not mistaken, but the Doctor thinks Yaz also looks as though she only has eyes for her.

There are some motives that can be mistaken. Like when Yaz’s touch lingered on the Doctor’s arm a little too long. Others are too clear to be missed. Like the time the Doctor allows the aliens to rile her up too much. Her companions have never seen her this angry. They are scared. They don’t know what she’s capable of. They never thought they’d have to find out.

They don’t.

Yaz steps in front of the Doctor, blocking her view of the aliens. “Hey.” She says. “Take a moment to think.” A strand of the Doctor’s hair falls forward from behind her ear. Yaz reaches up to tuck it back behind her ear. Her hand brushes the Doctor’s cheek. The Doctor calms instantaneously. When the Doctor looks into Yaz’s eyes, she knows her feelings are returned. But does she want to risk their friendship for something that may not last?

** Admission **

A week after Yaz tucked the Doctor’s hair behind her ear, the Doctor almost tells Yaz how she feels about her. It’s a near slip of the tongue. They are the only ones awake in the TARDIS. The Doctor opens her mouth and it almost comes out, but she manages to choke it down. Before then, the Doctor didn’t think she wanted to confess anything to Yaz. Now she knows she needs to.

The first time the Doctor tries to tell Yaz how she feels, she fails dramatically. It’s not her fault, though. Maybe it is a little. But nobody ever told her it would be a bad idea to confess feelings when an alien invasion is imminent.

“Yaz, we need to talk.” The Doctor says slowly, her words calculated.

“What abou-“ Yaz doesn’t finish her sentence. Twelve tentacles creep around the door, leaving a trail of mucus in their wake. Yaz isn’t sure if they belong to one creature or a few. She isn’t sure she wants to find out. “Shall we do this later?”

“That might be wise.” Says the Doctor, whipping out her sonic screwdriver and scanning the alien species.

In the TARDIS that night, Yaz and the Doctor are left to their own devices. Graham and Ryan are in their own rooms, doing whatever it is they need to do.

“What was it you wanted to talk about, Doctor?” Yaz asks shyly, not sure if she wants to find out.

“Well-“ The Doctor falters. The words once aligned in her head now won’t put themselves in the right order.

“Doctor!” Ryan walks into the console room, bringing that conversation to an end. “Can I ask a question?”

The Doctor visibly deflates but she is never one to turn away a friend. “Ask away, Ryan.” She says, her voice tired.

When Ryan is gone, the Doctor can’t find it in herself to tell Yaz. “Can we leave it until the morning?” She asks.

“Sure.” Yaz replies.

The Doctor doesn’t sleep well that night. Nor does Yaz. They’re both in the kitchen early the following morning. Ryan and Graham aren’t awake yet.

“Is it too early for that talk?” The Doctor asks. She has the words now. She spent the whole night thinking about it.

“Go for it.” Yaz smiles and the Doctor is immediately enamoured. “It seems like you need to get it off your chest, anyway.”

“Okay.” The Doctor takes a deep breath, closing her eyes as she exhales. She murmurs to herself for a second, as if she’s giving herself a pep-talk. Her eyes lock with Yaz’s. “I like you, Yasmin Khan. As more than friends. And I have done for a while now.” She stops there. The Doctor is usually one to ramble on, but she has had time to decide that she would not do that in this moment. There was one thing she wanted to say, and she had done just that. Now it is time to listen.

Yaz breathes the Doctor’s name. “I feel the same way about you.”

The Doctor’s hazel eyes meet Yaz’s brown. “Really?” For the first time in a long time she allows herself to be hopeful.

“Really.” Echoes Yaz. She walks over to the Doctor and envelops her in a hug. “I’ve liked you for a while now.”

When Yaz steps back, the Doctor is struck by how beautiful she is. The soft lights of the TARDIS make her look as though she is glowing. The Doctor wants to kiss Yaz. Her eyes flick between the brunette’s eyes and her lips. She notices Yaz do the same. Yaz steps closer to the Doctor. Their lips are centimetres apart. Yaz’s hand finds its way to the Doctor’s hip, pulling her closer still.

“Should we save this for our first date?” The Doctor regrets her words as soon as they fall from her lips. She’s waited for too long to kiss Yaz. Now she’s trying to make herself wait even longer.

“I don’t make rules that stop me doing what I want.” Yaz pulls the Doctor closer with the hand on her hip, snaking the other behind her head, her fingers knotting loosely in the Doctor’s hair as she guides the Doctor’s lips towards her own. The kiss is soft and gentle, but it is urgent on both sides. They have waited too long for this moment.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope it was okay ! thank you for taking the time to read it <3


End file.
